Sunday, July 20, 2014

Act One, Scene Eight - “Conviction”

This is Part 6 in a multi-part blog post.  If you've stumbled across the page without reading Part 1, click the link below to go to Part 1.

Act One, Scene One 

Note:  I have been struggling with how to tell this next part of my story.  Obviously, I view the events of my life from this time period through a very different lens than I did at the time they were actually happening to me.  Time and experience have a way of changing our context and altering the way we see things, but, for the purposes of re-telling my story, I think it’s best if I relate from my perspective at the time.  At a later point, I can discuss how my viewpoint on these events has changed and shifted over time and how my understanding continues to me in a state of growth.

Six days after I made that slow and trembling walk to the altar, I had a sexual encounter with a young man that I was friends with.  We had been sexually involved for a long time.  We were together hanging out, and it was just natural that it would happen as it had for so long.  While in the midst of things, I felt a tremendous amount of guilt over what we were doing.  After we had finished, and he had left, I just sat and re-played over and over what had just happened.  

Over the past few days, I’d felt like I’d stepped into a whole new world.  I had been getting up every morning and grabbing my Bible to read a little each morning.  I had been listening to some Christian CD’s that Mark had lent me.  All week long it had felt as though I had stepped into a whole new world where the sun shone just a little brighter and the grass was just a little greener; everything felt more alive.

As I sat alone in my room, having just engaged in this thing that I knew God hated, I felt that deep, dark, impenetrable clouds had just descended over that bright new world.  I felt someone had shut out the Sun, and I felt as though God wanted nothing to do with me.  

I had no idea what to do.  No one would understand.  I couldn’t tell any of my new friends at the church.  That would be the end of things there.  I felt like they would cast me aside, and how could I blame them?  I felt God didn’t even want me in that moment.  I had no idea how to do it, but I knew that, then and there, it had to stop.  I could never again allow myself to engage in another sexual act with a guy.  I just couldn’t bear the rejection.  I couldn’t stand to have God hate me.  My journey as a ex-gay had begun.

End Act One.

Close Curtain.

- Culbs

© Joshua Culbertson 2014

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