Act Two, Scene Six - “Finding My Way”

This post is part of my on-going story that I have been telling through this blog.  If you are just coming here for the first time or if you need to catch up, you can catch the earlier parts of the story in Setting the Stage or Act One.  See the navigation panel to the right labeled My Story.  I hope that my sharing of my story is helpful, encouraging, informative, or at least entertaining for you.  Please feel free to comment or contact me at the e-mail address below.  Thanks!

"Finding My Way"

Defining for myself what my life would look like as an ex-gay was not an easy task.  I didn’t really have any role models to look to, and it’s not like I could ask anyone for advice.  The “gag order” that Pastor Rob had placed on me kept me from talking to anyone, at least initially.  It was difficult to make genuine connections with people when something that was so core to who I was and what was driving me to Christianity in the first place had to be kept veiled.  Eventually, I connected with a couple of younger guys, Brent and Anthony, in the church.  They seemed to take their faith a bit more seriously than a lot of the other people at the church, and I was drawn to that. It took me a while to feel safe to do so, but I eventually shared my struggle with them.

Both Brent and Anthony were very understanding when I shared my story with them.  They saw homosexuality as a form of demonic attack, and I was very comfortable with that.  I didn’t necessarily like the idea of being stalked by a demon, but I was comforted by this way of thinking that externalized my problem and made it “not my fault.”  

Anthony and Brent attended a Bible study on Saturday nights.  It resembled more of a house church than anything else.  I began going with them.  I was nervous at first.  Some people had cautioned me about small gatherings like this in people’s homes.  There was the fear of the lack of the kind of accountability that comes from a larger church setting, and there was also fear that listening to a multitude of people who placed themselves in the role of spiritual leader would lead to confusion.  Through these meetings, I encountered a number of young people, all of whom seemed to take their relationship with God very seriously.  These were young people who were giving up their Saturday evening to praise, worship, and learn about God.  How could this be a bad thing?

When Pastor Rob and others in leadership at New Promise found out that I was attending these outside Bible studies, they were very concerned.  I was talked to about it.  I was troubling for them.  In their eyes, I was a new “baby Christian.”  They were concerned that I might be getting fed things that were different than what I would be taught by them.  This belief that there is a “right” way to view or interpret the Bible and a fear of anyone who teaches things differently from that individual’s or group’s viewpoint is prevalent in conservative evangelical Christianity.

As I look back on it now, the views of those in the Bible study group and the views of those in leadership at New Promise were really very similar at the time.  Other individuals who participated in the group have, like me, moved on to a less dogmatic understanding of Christianity.  In fact, there are a handful of people that I met through that group that I am still friends with today. 

This act of rebellion, of stepping outside the “borders” of the community of New Promise, would mark me in a way.  It’s a mark that would stay with me throughout my time with the church.  Even when I was heavily involved and very close to the church’s inner circle, there always seemed to be this air of suspicion that I could or would be led astray by the teachings of others.  I realize that it was born out of a sincere effort to protect me, but, looking back, it seems very cultish and controlling. 

- Culbs

joshua.culbertson@gmail.com

Act Two, Scene Seven

© Joshua Culbertson 2014

Tips for Surviving the Holidays

The holidays can be a difficult time for members of the LGBTQ community. These tips from Queer Theology provide some wise advice for anyone who finds themselves having a difficult time navigating through the holiday season. 

http://www.queertheology.com/8-queer-holiday-tips-coping-surviving/

My Husband's Not Gay!

I know that this program produced by TLC is drawing, and will continue to draw, a great deal of fire from the LGBTQ community.  Having spent years living as an ex-gay and struggling in my own journey to self-acceptance, it is difficult for me to see these men as anything other than pilgrims on their own journey.  My only hope for them is that they would be able to live lives in which they feel whole and fulfilled.  The voices that spoke loudest to me on my own journey were those that said that they supported me and accepted me no matter what.  I wish these men well as they continue down their own paths.

http://nypost.com/2014/12/22/tlc-to-debut-my-husbands-not-gay-in-january/

Sometimes, in Order to Find Your Voice, You Have to Shut Up

It’s been a few months since I’ve posted.  At first, the silence began because of the demands of balancing school, work, and just everyday life.  I also realized that I was at a point in my story where I realized that I was going to have to choose whether or not to vilify those voices from my old church that told me that I could change my sexuality.  My other option would be to gloss over the whole thing and try to avoid pointing fingers at all.  Neither of those extremes sat well with me in my heart.  I neither see those individuals as villains, nor do I see them as being completely without responsibility for the messages that they put out into the world.

Over the past few months, I have wrestled with this issue of how to depict these people who were (and, to be honest, are) so very dear to me.  I also realize now, through the amazing gift of hindsight, that, sometimes, in order to find your voice, the most important thing you can do is shut up.  One thing that happened over the course of the past few months is that I re-encountered the voice of another that those from my conservative evangelical days would also have labeled a “wayward soul” or a “prodigal” just as they would me, Jennifer Knapp.

Jennifer Knapp was a contemporary Christian music artist who was just rising to fame as I was taking my first steps into the evangelical world.  Early in her career, she came to Zanesville, my hometown, and did a show.  I actually worked her merch table at that show.  I have never really heard about her before that, but there was so much that was new being thrust at me then.  Some friends who arranged for me to work her table so that I could get into the concert for free assured me that she was going to be a bright star in the contemporary Christian world, and she was.  Then, at the very pinnacle of her career, as suddenly as she had arrived on the scene, she was gone.

Years later, she would emerge from seclusion, with her faith intact, and reveal that she was a lesbian.  Of course, many of her previous fans and supporters deserted her.  I re-discovered her voice through her new memoir, Facing The Music. Reading her book was very cathartic to me.  We were both part of this massive contemporary Christian world.  Of course, we occupied very different levels of it, but many of the experiences were very similar.  There were many times I had to pause while reading it because something experience of phrase that she shared very well could have come from my own lips.

It was in Jennifer’s treatment of those who chose not to support her decision to be herself that I found the most profound and endearing.  Of course her initial feelings toward them were of anger and of defensiveness, but, ultimately, she could only feel pity for them.  That resonated with me.  When I walked away from conservative Christianity, I walked away from, what felt like at the time, was everything.  That church had become far more than a place of worship to me.  Everything I did socially, I did with people from that church.  If I needed to order flowers, there was a florist who went to the church.  If I had a banking need, I went and saw someone at a local bank who attended the church.  My hair was cut by someone from the church.  Had I ever had a need arise to build a home, there were general contractors at the church.  There were people to support my business and investing needs.  In retrospect, it all seems very closed and unhealthy, but, at the time, these people, this church family, were my everything. 

Pastor Rob and his family were like a family to me.  In fact, to this day, the holiday season is still difficult for me at times because so many of holiday traditions during my 13 years at New Promise were tied in with theirs.  I would have my time with my family each holiday, and, then, I would leave, and go to their house to celebrate with them.  It wasn’t until years after I left that my own therapist would point out to me the unresolved feelings of loss and grief that I still carry from having left that community.  I have done some work on working through that, but, to a certain extent, I want to continue to be aware of that sense of loss.  On the other hand, now that I have separated from them, it has given me a much greater appreciation for my own family, and I regret having neglected those relationships as much as I did during the New Promise years.

Still, it is my hope and desire that anyone reading the words that appear on this blog know that it is not my intent or desire to paint anyone as a victim.  The folks at New Promise did not seek me out, and they did not come into the closet looking for me.  I went to them, and I asked them to help me shed a part of myself that, at the time, I did not want.  In many ways, my journey with them was self-chosen and self-directed.  I think that is one of the primary reasons that I do not feel a great deal of bitterness towards them or towards my time there.  I know that their actions and words towards me were out of nothing other than a desire to help me when I asked for it and to show me love in the only way that they know how.

Now, about 5 years after my departure from New Promise, I do not feel that I walked away to find myself with an inferior experience of Christianity, of God, or of human spirituality.  If anything, I have been able to open myself up to love in ways that I never would have felt the freedom to do so before.  I pray, someday, that those who I left behind will be able to give themselves permission to do the same.  My experiences have only introduced me to a God that is much bigger, wider, and more open than I ever could have conceived of during those years at New Promise. 

~ Culbs

joshua.culbertson@gmail.com

© Joshua Culbertson 2014