It is the night before Thanksgiving, and I am sitting at
home on my couch. I worked earlier
today. Then, I came home, fixed dinner,
and then headed off to the nearby Starbucks to work on a group project that I
will be helping to present for a class next week. I know that I could have put it off until the
weekend, but I wanted to be able to head into tomorrow without it hanging over
my head. Now, I have given myself
permission to take the last few hours of tonight just for me. My plans for the remainder of this evening
are simple. First, I want to write this
blog post. I actually have some urgency
about it because I have some things that I want to say and that I know some may
need to hear. After that, I am torn
between diving into my copy of Tyler Oakley’s Binge or embarking upon the first
disc of Modern Family Season One. I
actually have never seen a single episode of the show, and I am feeling like
quite the bad gay for it. Plus, I
actually want to see it.
All that having been said, I want you to know that I am very
much looking forward to tomorrow. I
genuinely am. I also want you to know
that I have not always felt that way about Thanksgiving or many other holidays
and other occasions for family gatherings.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that
every moment of every family gathering was awful all the way through, but these
types of events always came with a dreaded sense of anticipation because I knew
that, at some point, some well meaning aunt or uncle would turn to me and say,
“So, Josh, when are you going to bring a nice girlfriend for the family to
meet?”
Now, in retrospect, a much more mature me wishes I could go
back to that much younger me and say, “Look.
They’re going to ask the question.
It’s fine. Let them ask. In fact, it might even mean that they already
know, you know, that you’re gay. Just
tell them that you’re being selective or focusing on yourself. You don’t have to answer them.”
To a much younger me, this was a terrifying and traumatizing
question. I would feel the gears inside
my head begin to lock up, and I could begin to feel that sense of impending
dread fill the pit of my stomach. I
would begin to tell myself such dreaded statements as, “They know,” and “I hope
they don’t tell my parents.” These were
usually followed by internal questions to myself like, “How did my voice
sound? Was it too gay?” and “What about
this sweater? Can I possibly look
straight in this sweater?”
Please know that, if you are young (or even not so young)
and you are lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, asexual, intersex,
questioning, or any other points along the spectrums of sexual orientation or
gender identity and you find yourself having these thoughts, asking yourself
these questions, or dreading the assemblage of family for the holiday, know
that you are not alone and you are not the first person to feel this way. Also, be smart. You can’t control for everything, but make a
plan for the things that you can anticipate.
I’ve made a list of the things that have helped me in the past.
1. That aunt or uncle is going to ask the question about
your significant other. Decide in
advance what your response is going to be.
Don’t leave it to the nervousness in the pit of your stomach in that
moment. Don’t invent a fictional
boy/girlfriend either. That will blow up
in your face. It’s okay to say that
you’re really trying to get an “A” in ________________________ class or make
the ________________________ team.
Adults take time out from dating at time to focus on themselves. It’s okay for you to do it at 10, 12, 13, 17,
or however old you are.
2. Know who your allies are in the room. Is there that aunt who is always talking
about Broadway show tunes and refers occasionally to her gay friends? What about that cousin who left home to go
away to college or moved to the big city and seems to be a bit more enlightened
now? Is there anyone in the room who
knows the truth, your whole truth, and they’ve accepted you for who you are?
3. Thanksgiving often involves family members watching
football. Sometimes people become
animated and very critical of the teams and players during this time. This may manifest in the occasional gay slur
or gender-degrading outburst. Know
that. Be prepared for it. Don’t let the words of others define you. If you are offended by their words, take note
of that. Remember who said them. Decide whether it is in your best interest to
acknowledge it while refusing to let it tear you down or, of you feel safe,
decide if you should voice that it offended you.
4. If possible, plan
your exit in advance or, at least, know where you can retreat to if you need a
moment. If you’re old enough to drive,
can you find a way to make sure that you have your own car there? Do you work?
Is your place of employment open?
Maybe you can pick up a shift that leaves you available for part of the
family gathering but not all of it so that you can time limit your
exposure. I used to pick up shifts on
holidays when I was younger so that I could control my schedule and so that
co-workers with young children could be with their families. If you can’t control your escape, is there a
quiet corner of the house or a spare bedroom that you can slip off to in order
to collect yourself if need be.
Sometimes we just need a moment or two to regroup before going back into
the throng.
5. Finally, if you
need help, ask for it. If you are a
young LGBTQIA person, reach out to a friend or relative you can trust. Things really do get better, but sometimes
that is hard to see when you are young and college and adult life seem so far
away. Know that you are not alone. You are part of something bigger. You have worth and value. Don’t let anyone take that from you. If you need to talk to someone and don’t have
a safe confidant around you, call The Trevor Project at 1-866-4-U-TREVOR
(1-866-488-7386) or, for any age, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at
1-800-273-8255.
I hope that we all make it through this difficult
season. If you need help in doing so,
it’s okay to ask. I would love to hear
about some of your challenges in navigating the holidays. Let’s just accept that, sometimes, life can
be awkward. Please feel free to reach
out to me by e-mail or comment before.
Happy Thanksgiving, and may the holidays be a time of joy and time spent
with those you care about!
~ Culbs
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