Note: This post has a different tone that many of my posts. I've allowed some of my dry, sarcastic humor to seep into this one. Keep that in mind while reading. The darker parts of this post are meant to be taken in a more humorous light. I hope that comes across.
What is Ex-Gay?
I’m assuming that most people
reading this blog are familiar with this term, but it is a question that I get
asked often when speaking about my story.
Someone who identifies as an ex-gay, just like an ex-wife, ex-husband,
ex-boyfriend, etc., is someone who, while they acknowledge that they used to be
gay, believes that they are either no longer gay or is on their way to no
longer being gay, and, just was a recently divorced or single person can
sometimes take some time settling into their new role, beginning to use the
identifiers corresponding to that role can be an important first step. Therefore a person who states they are ex-gay
does so almost as a prophetic statement, giving voice to a desired state that
does not yet exist within them as fully realized. The reason that, I believe, this is such a
difficult term for some to understand is that it is akin to me telling someone,
“Hi, my name is Josh. I’m a
unicorn.” While there are disagreements
about what causes sexual orientation, there is pretty solid agreement that it
can’t be changed once it is established; so, this places the label of “ex-gay”
into the category of mythical creatures.
The Good
Having lived for over a decade as
an ex-gay, I have learned to find hope in even the smallest incremental
gains. When I was trying to rid myself
of me same-sex attractions, if I looked at picture of a woman and found her to
be pretty or if I was able to force thoughts of an attractive man out of my
mind by focusing on memorized scripture, I counted it as a success. If I wandered into a news store, purchased
gay porn and threw it away in a sidewalk trash can before I made it back to my
car, I saw this as victory over the devil’s attempts to lead me astray, and, if
I went on a date with a woman and any level of affection from holding hands to
making out occurred, I thought I was truly winning! So, I will admit that I am hopeful in the
outcome of General Conference in terms of LGBTQIA issues. In a denomination that is 48 years old in its
current incarnation, a battle that has been going on for 44 of those years with
no progress has little hope of being resolved through the same process that has
been attempted again and again, but I do have faith that our bishops will find
a way for us to exist as one united church with room for differing perspectives
on human sexuality.
 |
Bishop Bruce Ough announcing proposal from Council of
Bishops on LGBTQIA issues at 2016 General Conference
|
The Bad
The
downside of my experience is that you are reading the words of a man who
believed and prayed for 13 years that he could become a mythical creature. My hope can, as has been proven, clearly be
misplaced. While I had many darker
moments during the years that I was fighting against who I am, I tend to be a
pretty optimistic guy these days.
Therefore, I really value the input of realists, the people who help me
take my rose-colored visions of the future and convert them into more feasible
outcomes. So, while I might spend the
next few years hoping that my church can become the unicorn of my dreams, at
the end of this waiting, I might find that it is still just a regular horse
with a limp that is still unable to support all of us who wish to ride upon
her. Then, I may have to face the choice
of either continuing my delusion or of entering the market for another horse
that can get me and my friends where we need to go.
The Real Hope
The real hope, and truly the best
lesson that I learned at the end of my ex-gay journey, is that the conversation
about who you are in terms of your identity and the relationship between that
and God, as you understand God, is something that only you and God can
have. In my own journey, I realized that
one of three things was true: 1) God was not healing me of my homosexuality
because God was incapable of doing so, which didn’t sit well with me in terms
of placing limits on God’s power. 2) God was capable of healing me of my
homosexuality but was choosing not to, which presented me with a very cruel and
sadistic image of God that I also found to be unacceptable. Or 3) God was not
healing me because I wasn’t broken. That
final possibility was the one that finally resonated with me, but I did not get
there overnight. It took a lot of
seeking and soul searching to get there, but, as my dear friend, Aaron, put it
to me so clearly, “You can read all you want.
You can pray all you want, but tomorrow you’re going to wake up, and
you’re still going to be you, and only you can decide what to do with that.”
In terms of the United Methodist Church,
there is still work left to be done, and I am committed to seeing that work
through, to make sure that every person who needs to finds a welcoming and
affirming presence inside our congregations and structures of worship, but, in
terms of the individual journey that each of us must walk, the course of that
journey is up to you to work out between either you and God or within your own
religious or non-religious understanding of the universe. Know that, as with many things in life, the
journey is often the most valuable and life-giving aspect of the process. While I may see the world through different
lenses that you, I affirm you and your place on this journey as you seek your
own truth.
~Culbs
Thanks for this, Josh. What does give me hope for the UMC is that because it has so much diversity there is space to be your authentic self and know that you are not alone. In spite of what direction the General Conference goes and what is found in the Book of Discipline and the Book of Resolutions, the reality is that there is a place for everyone, even if our polity and official statements attempt to exclude. Real life relationships cannot be denied. As long as there are people in the UMC who are committed to inclusion, the church will be inclusive in spite of what goes on at General Conference.
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